Too much work. :c

Commerce assignment due on Tuesday. Math common test on Thursday. History test on Monday. Science test/assignment next Tuesday. Plus various other homework.

Eh, really could use a break. I can't keep up with all my work AND deal with family drama, all at once.

I'm gonna try to finish my Commerce assignment by today. Since the MS server check is gonna finish around 1 am my time (no life D:), I'll most likely stay up till then, finishing my assignment. I hope my name got changed. :c Tomorrow's gonna be really busy. PDM excursion (speaking of PDM; too much assignments anyone?), which means EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF WALKING, and no work. Then, when I get back home, I'll need to pack my bags and research on New Zealand, ECOSOC for tomorrow's UN conference. THEN THEN THEN. Friday~Sunday at camp, hopefully doing NOT TOO BAD. Coming back to school on Monday, exhausted and tired, definitely not ready to do the History test that's gonna haunt me until I do it. THENNNNNNNNNNNNN. By Monday afternoon, I should (theoretically) have finished my Commerce assignment and my History test, which "only" leaves the Math common test and the science assessments to do. Eh, I'll try to finish Question 1 of the science assignment by Monday night, I guess. From Tuesday to Thursday will be crazy cramming and studying for the Math common test, although I don't think I'll do TOO badly in it, as long as I don't make simple mistakes or forget to check stuff like symbols, signs and other crap. Hopefully, by Thursday afternoon, I should only have science to work on, and have finished at least two questions on the assignment. I'll try my best to finish the science assignment by Saturday; and from then to Tuesday, CRAAAAAAAAAAZY STUDYING FOR THE UBER HARD SCIENCE TEST ZOMFG. DDDD:

Drivel. :c Just shows my less-than-good mental status.

UN conference in two days.

UNYA NSW Conference in two days. Today's Wednesday, it's on Friday.

Ohmygod. D: I haven't started researching at all, and I have no idea what I'm gonna do for the disco on Saturday night. Alarmed and depressed. :c The self-procrastination really is catching up on me, all of a sudden. One tiny consolidation is that Jerry's going too; but he's so good at debating, while I...am merely mediocre, sometimes even worse than that. I just hope I don't embarrass myself... and that everything goes well. :c Sometimes, you can't help but to wish for a fairy godmother (or father).

Cancer.

My dad has cancer. Gastric malignancy, middle stage, to be exact.

... Sometimes wished that you'd disappear out of my life; but now that I may get my wish, I can't help but to think, what if I'd acted differently.






I'm sorry, dad.

I love you; why didn't I ever show it before.

Oh god.

Oh, god. N****. Well, he has about three different accounts, so I can't really name him. The fact that I don't know his real name (he told me to call him N****) doesn't really help either. Anyway. I was talking to him yesterday on Skype. I'd asked him how to merch, because I was severely lacking money on MS. He added me onto Skype, and we talked.

For three and a half hours straight.

I abandoned the growing pile of assignments to talk to him. It started off about MS; but quickly switched to another topic. Philosophy; psychology; depression; so much. I don't know anything about him except the fact that he is 17, lives in the States, is Asian and is depressed. Oh, I know this too: I'm falling for him.

He's depressed and has almost no self-esteem at all; he goes to see a psych to talk about things. And he's absolutely, so incredibly brilliant that it blows my mind.

We talked for nearly four hours on different topics; and it felt like it had only been mere minutes. I was actually so absorbed in what he had to say. I generally disregard and scoff at films and books that ramble about falling for someone; and it's certainly never happened to me before. Not even with Tom or Spencer, I think. But...today, at church, I found myself looking forward intensely to talking again with N****: actual pleasure and anticipation. He feels like he belongs in another world - a purer world.

He feels kindred; he feels wise. And, oh, for the sweet mother of Jesus-

I think I'm falling for him.

Earlier today (well, yesterday).

It's 1:34am, 7th March '10. Sunday, of course.

But that's not what's so important. Yesterday (already?), after debating, we went to Carlingford to eat dinner. I was feeling grumpy for no reason, and when you shared my soup, it somehow felt wrong; and hence I snapped at you. But when the last piece of meat was left, I put it on your spoon because I wanted you to eat it; but you declined, and in my hurry, I had said that I didn't want it. You put your spoon down and said, "I don't want something that you don't want". Oh, god. I wish I'd explained to you. I know that you've forgiven me already; but I'm sorry.

I have to say it some day, I know - before it's too late.

MCR.

Welcome to the Black Parade.
- .My Chemical Romance. <3

Music is the melody of the soul. The soul is changing.

120.

IT'S FUCKING ON, BITCH.

120; YOU AND ME. FUCK, I'LL KICK YOUR FAGGOTRY ASS AND CUT YOUR DICK OFF.


LOVE, SARA <3

It's not all about YOU.

The world doesn't revolve around you. It's not all about YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU. You did this; you sacrificed this for this; you're the mature one who had to suffer through so much bullshit because you were the only one who was capable of it; you're full of self-pity and excuses. You blame your surroundings for your behaviour and personality.

Let's stop. Please. I don't want to tarnish my memories, nor ruin what's left of my respect for you. I'll live my life; you live yours. It'd have been much better if we hadn't met at all.

Letting you go.

It's over and done with. I shouldn't have seen it-EVER. Curiosity got the better of me, I guess. I wish I'd never, NEVER seen it, or even know that it had ever existed. It just confirmed what I'd been suspecting all along: it confirmed that I still missed you; it confirmed that you really did mean it; it confirmed that everything really was over.

I've already come to accept the fact that you're never going to fade within my memories nor my heart. You're a bittersweet memory that I wouldn't trade for anything; but that's the end of it all. There IS nothing to continue nor look forward to; I just wish that if I had known what was going to happen, I would have shown you how much you meant to me, and how much you helped me with, and -

How I'd loved you so much; and that you'd always stay in my thoughts.

I think, for the second time ever, I can,

Finally let you go. Please don't forget - smile. You were the best thing that happened to my miserable 2009. I love you; I always will.




*** NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!!! SPENCER.

It hurts to see.

It hurts to see the very person that you loved for a long time, spamming hearts to another person than yourself. Especially if the person had once meant everything to you. Even though you don't love him anymore, it still leaves a slight ache to the heart; and you'd stay up another night, gazing into the familiar view of the streets for hours, feeling sad without really knowing why.

It feels strange to see another girl, calling him the title that you thought was only between you and him; and even stranger to see him responding back cordially and brightly, as if she alone was meant for that title, and no one else. Then you see him and her, sitting together on an isolated isle, and you can't help but think, hey, they belong together. You want to go up to him and say a fake happy hello, but you hold back from doing so, just because you don't want to see the empty silence that greets you back, or a half-hearted two word hello, and maybe a sympathetic "I love you".

He said it himself, that he never thought of you the same way as you loved him; but you'd comfort yourself because you knew that once upon a time, you'd been important to him too. But now that he's truly gone at last, you're disgusted with yourself for holding onto past memories, remembering the way you and him would laugh together, or how he whispered the words, "I love you" to your affection-deprived ears. You tell yourself, snap out of it, he's gone and won't be back; but with an exasperated sigh, you already know that he'll never leave you alone.

You're surprised that you remember so many things you did together with him; the jokes, the remarks, the frustration, the teasing, even the tears. Familiar memories keep rattling in your head, and you're forced to think about how he'd say your name, and tease you with affection. From there, you'd remember how happy he made you feel, and how you'd daydream about you and him being together. And then you'd shake your head with a bittersweet smile, and know that it'll never come true.

You know that your love for him dissipated a long time ago when Spencer was around; you also know that he doesn't mean much to you anymore. But you don't know why your left chest clenches involuntarily whenever his name comes up in a conversation. You think to yourself, I don't like any of this; but you also know that you're powerless to do anything. You wonder why images of him float to your head when you're lying down in bed, and flashes of your earlier happy memories with him flood your mind until you're forced to get up from the bed and stare into the silent street for hours.

You think back to all those times when you let pride block your way to him; how childish stupidity and incomprehensible "pride", of a sort, had made you act distant and nasty to him when really, all you wanted to do was to tell him how much you loved him. Looking back to it, it's hard to admit that if you hadn't acted that way for no reason, you may have been able to retain your bond with him.

You and him. It's a completely one-sided "relationship". You love him, although he's nothing much to you and you DON'T love him. He doesn't even remember who you are.

You and him. It's bittersweet and faded, but you know you'd never trade your memories with him for anything in the world.

You wonder to yourself, I don't love him at all now; it's all behind me and I know that it's the truth, so-

Why do I miss him so much?

Who can I trust?

People that I thought could be trusted with anything are betraying me. I'm forced to deal with betrayals and lies every new day, and doubt and suspect everyone around me. I've got THREE people that I can trust with anything: Francis, Cassi and Kevin. Well, that's a start, at least. Heh. Gonna add more to this post later. c:

Okay, I AM a slut.

Yeah, admit it all. I acted like one, even though I had no idea what I was doing. Every time I made a pervy remark, I was speaking out my opinion in that situation; I wasn't consciously aware of what I was doing. Likewise, I didn't know I was flirting until people whisped me several times, asking what the hell I was doing with a marriage ring on. o_o;;

But hey, the point is. Yeah, I get why they call me slut and whore. Can't exactly whine about it...

Here's the turning point: no more of that. c: Yeah, you people that I won't name. Don't fucking call me a slut, because I'm not one, and now that I know what I'm doing, I WON'T be one.

"Don't get too near Sara".

"Don't get too near Sara; she'll teach you wrong and bad things."

I already knew that you never liked me much, and thought of me as a slut and a whore, so no surprises there. Hell, I've even got proof: a screenshot of you agreeing that I was a "hoe". I don't really care though. The only thing that I'm slightly not happy with, is how you KNEW that I wasn't like it. You KNEW that I had personal reasons for acting like who I was. Yeah, I KNOW THAT IT WAS PATHETIC AND SHIT. So what? You still knew that my act on Demethos was fake. Looks like I was being a fool, trusting you.

Call me a whore for all you like, but don't tell my FRIENDS to stay away from me. You'll never understand who I am. Don't get too near Sara? Ever considered that I may actually be a different person than who you think I am, to different people?

I'm a whore. That's funny. How can a virgin be a whore?

Fuck you; all of you. You judge me by my internet behaviour; you degrade and belittle me by calling me derogatory terms, as well as mocking me behind my back. Wow, glad to see you're having fun, trying to cut down a young VIRGIN teenager. I know my act was slutty; but 1) you don't know me well enough to label me, and 2) how dare you call me a slut, based on my online behaviour?

Okay, enough rants. I just had to get it out of my system; I'm calm now. c: Bleh, I shouldn't have raved on about this for so long, or talk so irrationally about this, but what can I do? I'm just a teeeeeeeen. :c

First day of school.

First day of school today. It was better than I'd thought. I actually missed my friends, and the familiar feeling of "learning". School is, unbelievable as it sounds, fun; there are people MY AGE, who doesn't call me a slut or a whore, and actually respect and like me for who I am. I like the lessons, and how I'm actually making use of my life; I like the fact that I'm learning something instead of wasting my time counting sheep or something. Lessons are easy, though some tasks are rather challenging; and I like the feeling of chatting animatedly and having fun in and out of lessons, laughing at an "in" joke or teasing a teacher-sharing simple friendship. Call me a nerd, but I do enjoy it all.

As the first bell announcing the official start of my Year 9 school life rang at precisely 8:38 am, there was nothing much to it; the Year 7, 11 and 12 had already gone back to school yesterday, and a short assembly at the beginning of the day set us off. We all headed to the shed, where we received our timetables, vaccination forms and fees; we were then briefly introduced to the two new students in our grade, who'd unbelievably passed the ridiculously hard entrance tests. One of the new students (I can't spell her name) was a sister of my old classmate, and they were NEARLY IDENTICAL TWINS. I freaked out when I saw the two; it was like seeing double. I like the new girl; she can take a joke, and she's cool. c:

Anyway. After we got all the things, we went onto our second period: LOLCOMMERCE. We had a new teacher that I'd never seen before, and it was actually quite interesting. I really liked the teacher, and her methods, and my classmates as we were fortuitous enough to have no troublemakers in our midst. Next came recess, and then Photography for a double period. Our teacher, Mrs Eaken is the most awesome teacher ever. She's like a lost twin sister of Lady GaGa; flamboyant neon green skinny jeans and dangling bracelets, AS WELL AS a cool scarf. Oh, she's blond too. c:

After getting an ASSIGNMENT on our first day back from Photography, we had English. We're doing film studies for our first topic, and it was pretty dull, so I won't rave on about it. Science was next. It seemed like I had good teachers; our teacher, Mrs Hill could keep the students in check.

Lunch was next, and then math. Oh, math. How easy it was. Seriously, screw quadratic trinomials and whatever else the teacher has in mind. At least I know I'll do well this year. *note to self: definitely shouldn't have bludged through half the semester last year, OR have fully screwed the yearly examination. Fml.

Uhm. English again after math, and then it was 3:06 and school ended. Yay. c:

Pretty uneventful first day back, but I'm satisfied with it. I LOVE my History and PDHPE teacher, although people say they're terrorists and a pedophile (SHE GAVE ME AN A <3). I'm kinda pissed that our class of 8Y had to be split up and completely annihilated this year, but can't have everything, I guess. I can't believe I still have trouble finding the correct rooms after two years of being in Baulko. o_o; What have I forgotten? Oh yes. THAT FUGLY GREEN PIECE OF SHIT THAT THEY CALL OUR "UNIFORM". It's like a worst nightmare reanimating itself back to life. I'd forgotten just HOW REVOLTING it was, complete with that green and gold tie. Whoever designed our uniforms must have been colour blind.

I should work on that Photography assignment now, and get ready for school on Monday. Yay weekend, except I don't have that much free time left. Ugh, bored and starving. This is the first time that I've actually written a full account of my day on this blog...wow. Heh, that's all there is, to Sara's boring and dull school life. c:

Ever say goodbye.

Embracing a fool and stepping away from the soul,
You and I, our heartbeat belonged to a different world
Where we breathed in purity, a petal of an ethereal flower
Blossoming into a thousand droplets of mismatched hope.
We crossed the bridge where darkness was but a facet to light
Our eyes blinded by a mere mortal's foolish greed;
Were we to know, that there would be no coming back
That it was but the last time we'd ever say goodbye
I'd have held onto you till darkness dissipated around us all
Where we could finally jump into that sunset and beyond.

Why don't you be a man?

Heh, call me a slut, see if I give a shit.

We're barely acquainted with each other and yet you dare to give me a derogatory title? No, just no. So what if you're older and more experienced than me? It doesn't make me any less human. I know what I've been doing is slutty; but that doesn't give YOU the right to call me a slut BEHIND MY BACK.

Be a man.

You're not as clean and innocent as you'd like everyone to believe. Leave us alone, so that we can be a SLUT in peace. Looks like you'd like to stick your 2 cm pingas in my vagina too. You know what? Do it. Do it, so that I can beg, PLEASE PULL OUT.

I'm not the slut.

YOU ARE.

Btw.

By the way, this guy that I'm talking about, IT'S NOT SPENCER. o_o;;
Heh, I got over him about a month and a half ago... ? -____-;;.
Stop pestering me to find out who he is. Seriously ;;
The only thing that I'm saying is, it's NOT Spencer.

******* Just to make it clear, every guy from the LOLkathy post that I don't name is NOT Spencer. If it IS, I'll probably name him Spencer. Isn't that common sense? o_o

Nearly over you.

NEARLY OVER YOU. VERY NEARLY. JUST WAITING FOR THE MOMENT WHERE I'LL FINALLY BE FREE FROM YOUR GRASP, AND THEN I'LL BE ABLE TO HATE YOU AT LAST.

Why can't I let go, when everything that I thought was wrong?

You called me a slut. Funny, aye? When you vowed that you'd stay by me, I THOUGHT YOU MEANT IT. Maybe you did, but changed your mind later on. Still doesn't change anything. I thought you were a strong person. You were my HERO, but it seems like I'll have to choose my idols more carefully from now on.

I'm nearly over you. Very nearly.

Doesn't mean I don't miss you yet.

...I miss you.

Cassi.

There's a lot on Cassi going on for me. When I met her, I thought she was a pretty cool chick. We became buddies, and I found out that she had a lot of hatred going on for Monty. That really got to me at first. I thought, STOP FUCKING HATING ON HIM. After a little more of this, I deleted her in a pissed mood, then regretted it, but thought, what the hell, fucking pride. Yeah, stupid.

B-B-BUT.

After a nice long talk yesterday, I decided that I FUCKING LOVE CASSI AFTER ALL. <3 Heh, never knew she was like this. She actually understands shit from MY VIEW. No one else ever has before. Never thought I'd get a friend like this. I mean, Kevin's incredible shit and all that, but Cassi actually sees and knows shit. o_o;

Woot woot, Sara's got another friend that she can trust. Her fifth one. Sad, aye? Francis, Kevin, Toby, POSSIBLY Natalia, now Cassi. Yay.

Ilybby. <3

Same.

I gave you everything, did you know? You were the centre of my tiny, tiny world. I loved you more than anything. You were there when I needed you, and you were the first one to make me really smile. You promised to never leave my side; and through my tears I smiled, thinking that I wasn't as alone as I'd thought. For a while, we were happy. You didn't return my feelings in the same way, but you told me that you DID love me too. And you know what? I believed you. I dared to think that I WAS rather special to you too. BUT THEN YOU CALLED ME A SLUT. You were just like all the rest of them, mocking me and laughing at me. Ever been called by a slut by someone who was like the world to you? TRUST ME, IT'S NOT THAT GREAT. I gave you my love, respect and trust and you treated it like it was nothing but SHIT.

I thought I was over you, and that we still maintained a good relationship as FRIENDS, but I guess I was wrong. I LOVED YOU AND YOU KNEW IT, BUT IT TURNS OUT I WAS WASTING MY TIME HERE.

./endrant.

Heh, I'm a slut. According to you, at least. All the time that I thought you actually knew who I was, I guess you were just playing with me. I hoped that you were different, that you weren't like the others, but turns out that you're just the same.